SATURNDAY, 2-11-23

when i treat myself as a precious object i become strong.

i like printing in my notebook where no part of any letter hangs over the line.

every letter has its boundaries and keeps themselves and others safe.

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what do you think happens to buried pain in an individual?

it festers and wreaks havoc with all bodily systems, including the brain, that’s what.

elementary my dear human.

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my, what a lofty stature you have my dear julie.

harbouring resentments?

hate?

what are you harbouring julie dear?

is it self-hate?

why dear julie you are everyone and everything around you.

if you see something in another, or simply another, it is something or someone within you.

you know this.

what is bothering you dear?

yesterday was a morgue, a dead julie walking, what is it dear?

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i don’t know, it hasnt risen into my consciousness, the light of the present moment, yet.

it is something old and stale and stinky and rotten that needs to be released to the light.

a huge fucking hairball of slammed down and festering pain.

maybe i will never know exactly what it consists of.

i am to accept not knowing.

it sucks cause i am a naturally curious child and want to know these things.

i want to know everything.

spirit seems to keep these things to themselves quite a bit of the time.

i don’t know and maybe on some level i resent spirit for being in control?

i realize without one shred of doubt that i am in control of not one single thing except my response and i even question that i am in control of that.

i feel manipulated and i shut down!

hunker down, sink into the abyss.

it is safe here.

i find the deep void a safe place to be sometimes.

it is life perhaps i fear?

perhaps a part of me that has lived in darkness for so long is panicked and afraid of the light.

shy, reticent.

like the bottom feeder fish in the aquarium at the fitness club.

they hide under a rock in the shadows.

they fascinate me.

i saw it once when i was very still.

it was black with white spots vacuuming the gravel clean.

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i have a fish in a bowl.

his name is poseidon.

my son gave him to me.

he ate my son’s other fish i am told.

he is very colourful, gold and blue and a deep dark bloody red.

his eyes are bright green!

he loves to watch me.

he is a watcher and an observer.

i am learning from a killer betta fish how to watch and observe!

my cat teaches me how to relax and play.

the birds teach me how to be happy.

the trees teach me everything pretty much.

herbs heal me.

whole food nourishes me.

why do i need another human in my life?

humans complicate things and humans can lie and hurt me, physically overpower me and thrust deep barbs with their words that i may never recover from.

i need solitude now.

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when i treat myself as a precious object i become strong.

i need to be strong, oh so strong to endure life on this beautiful, raw and powerful home planet, Earth.

i need to be strong so i can be soft.

soft on me first!

first, always me first now!

this is my number one lesson here now.

to be in my power

to be in my centre

to balance myself i must come first!

victims need time.

how much time?

i don’t know.

all i do know is if the creator broke me, the creator will fix me in their own time.

then, i ask what is time?

time doesn’t exist.

time is the human mind’s need for order and organization.

therefore; i must be….

PERFECT!

i nuzzle this around for a while

i set down the pen.

and rest here awhile.

now.

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LOVE