I can’t hide my heart
I cannot stop asking what is grief?
Is it sadness?
Is it loss?
There is a strange frenzy in my head.
What are these feelings?
Quit being sad I hear myself and the blessings dropping all around me
What are these feelings?
Emotions bubbling up from where?
When he died
I held his still warm body in my arms
So soft he lay
His legs poised as if in flight across the grassy meadow
Or perhaps soaring in flight with his new wings
The winds of change can be ruthless
Tearing my clothes and whipping my hair in such a frenzy that I cannot see truth
Truth that death is a gift
A transition.
I hold him as he would never allow me before
My face pressed against his nose
Fragrant, familiar
The exquisite scent of him
Wild and glorious
With his chiseled jaw
No more to search my pockets
To tease me with his searching, inquisitive ways
for the treat that is always found.
Grief comes stalking before and after death
Not during
Death is silent.
This phenomenal cage of thoughts plague me
Did I do the right thing?
Taking his breath away
Deciding for him
If he lives or dies?
To live blind
As I do
And I can see!
Bestow me with his grace
His wisdom
Did he choose death?
Was it his wish I heard?
Parting his mane in my hands
I tie the clutches of wild sage
The custom of ancestors
Showing me the way
To honour
And protect
the sacredness of Him.
The yawn of time
20 years
Where are they now?
The time we spent together?
My guiding light
Joshua means ‘saviour’
Indeed my Beloved
He saved me
Countless times
We took turns he and I
Saving each other
This time my sweet sweet horse
I didn’t save you
I killed you
He stares at me now from a frame across the room
What can stay hidden?
I set it free
Leave me be!
I shed you as I shed the tears that drip from my blazing eyes
Why? I shriek to the sky, the trees, the Earth
My words echo in the cold, clean air
The wind whistles through the wooden arms stretched to the heavenly sky
The trunks rasp in the frozen white world.
My beloved horse
Thunders this frozen world no more
My heart breaks with the answer
Trust myself
Trust that I made the right decision
Never hide your heart.
Let it bleed
Bleed out the pain
The prison, the poison
Housecleaning the cobwebs of my heart
To soar
In joy
Like You
I can’t hide my heart ❤

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